Talking and Listening.

Talking with your life partner is important. Listening to your life partner is equally important. Reviewing the conversation after the fact and distilling what you have learned is also just as important. Applying what you have learned is, you guessed it, just as important.

I do not think that enough people communicate correctly, and I am definitely not innocent of this. I know enough now to catch when I am being bad, and I often just continue...shame on me. When you are talking to someone, are you listening for comprehension? Or are you just listening so you know when it is your turn to talk again? Your life and relationships will improve dramatically if you are listening to understand. When you talk, are you forming your sentences in a way that speaks to the listener? Are you doing everything in your power to word things in a way that communicates your thoughts so that they connect with the other person? If the person you are talking to does not understand what you are trying to say, it is not their fault, and it is okay. It is okay to take a few seconds to fully form your phrases before you say them, in fact, you should probably always do this. And sometimes, you just can't seem to find the right words to express how you feel, and that is okay.

Don't get frustrated. If your conversation is going poorly, you sense emotions speaking, or if hurtful things are said or almost said, then you should take a deep breath and calmly request some time to calm down before continuing. Never respond to a hurtful thing with one in return, ever.

Keep an open mind and don't give up. You have to be able to accept that you have faults and others can typically see them more clearly than you can. Therefore, if your partner says something and you are offended, embarrassed, or in denial, you should probably stop, relax, and analyze why you feel that way. It can be painful to see your flaws, but if you accept them and be honest with yourself about them, then you have control over them. This goes with all emotions. If something makes you angry you should consider why. Most of the time it is because you are not letting yourself see things objectively. Anger and frustration come from within. You cannot inject someone with angry or dish up a double serving of frustration. These are emotions that may be catalyzed by an external factor, but are completely within our minds, and therefore things we can learn to control.

You will never be good at something the first time you do it. Probably not the second either. Maybe the third time, but probably not. These are things that you have to practice all the time. Just like with all things that you do a lot, they will get easier, I promise. Nothing will get better if you don't make an effort, and you may be surprised at how much impact a very small amount of effort can have.

I started this post referring to life partners, but this applies to all relationships. I singled out the life partner relationship because I believe it is the single most important relationship you have until you have kids, then it is tied for first.