I Know, But…
Nothing you say before the word “but” matters. Ned Stark said a variation of this phrase. Darrell Rogers said yet another version of it. I am certain that many smart people over the years have come up with a similar belief. I may not be a smart people, but I too believe in this.
You on the fence about it? Thinking about what this means? Here is how Darrell Rogers explained it to me; You would never say to your spouse, “I love you, but...” Makes sense right? Here is the definition of but, per a quick Google search; “Used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned.” So by definition, anything you say after the word but contradicts what you have said before it.
Why am I writing about this? I think it is interesting how people's brains work. Have you ever said something to someone and got a response similar to, “I understand, but...” That person is saying they understand what you are saying, but what they have to say is more important. I find that most people don't do this intentionally. I think what is going on is that they are in no frame of mind to change their opinion on the topic, so they attempt to placate you and then assert how their belief is correct. This leads to a negative feedback loop, because the first person is in the same frame of mind. Neither party has set themselves up to be convinced of anything, and they use the word “but” as a shield to deflect the other's arguments. At the end of it all, if you use the word “but” after acknowledging another person's statement, belief, or opinion, you are essentially telling them that what they said doesn't matter and they should listen to you. Nobody likes to be told that, whether they are right or wrong.
I am very careful about how I use the word “but” nowadays. It has very specific places where it works very well, like in places where the thing you said before but really doesn't matter. An example might be, “I know you spilled milk, but it is okay.” See? I am saying that what you did doesn't matter, but in a good way. You may think this is semantics. I disagree. Whether or not we realize it, we all know in the back of our brains what the word “but” means, just as surely as we all have butts. We may not have ever thought about it as I have written it here, but we all know what that word means, and that one word can cause a lot of hurt. I think we cause a lot of unintentional pain to others just because of the words we use instinctively. Pay attention this week, you will start to see it. You may even catch yourself doing it.
Want to stop using “but”? Switch it with the word “and”. This simple word switch will change your sentence from putting down your fellow human, to acknowledging their statement with respect, AND putting forth your own. “I love you, and...” This allows both ideas to exist simultaneously on a level field. I can assure you it is difficult in the beginning, and it is totally worth it.